Goodbye 2909

In less than a week, we're moving. We'll finally be in a home that fits us, a home with a yard, with parking, with A/C. A home we've been waiting to move into for a year, a home we're excited to someday own.

There is no reason to not be excited. And yet every time I pick up a box or start planning our move... the panic sets in. I could not figure out what was going on... why did I have such a mental block about moving?

And last night it hit me. I'm going to miss this house. I've lived here for 3 and a half years... and they've been the most formative years of my life. I moved into this house a single mom, fresh from giving birth to my god-son. I started dating Mark here, we got engaged while living here... Bekah learned to read and write and started school. Charlie was almost born in this house, and has taken her first steps and giggled her first laughs in this home.

As much as we need more space, and a more modern, better situated house.... I'm in mourning. These last 3 years have been full of change and discovery... and I have to say goodbye.

Goodbye 2909. Goodbye to the only home Bekah remembers, and Charlie has ever known. Goodbye to the home where I had my first date with my husband. Goodbye to our first Christmas, and shoveling my car out, and the relighting of the damn furnace in the middle of December. Goodbye to the dance parties, the birthday parties, the slumber parties and the snuggle parties. Goodbye to the giant blanket fort and red front door.

Hello next step. Hello new life.

Copycat 7-11 French Toast Rolls

I don't usually post recipes on here, but this one was one I actually made up... and it turned out GREAT!

Late last year, 7-11 had the most amazing sausage french toast rollers on their grill. (Don't judge me...) And I ate them at least weekly. Then the discontinued them. Why do they do that? It's always my favorite thing...

The husband and I talked over ways to make them ourselves, and today I tried it out... They weren't exact, but the result was delish!

Ingredients (yield 6 rolls):
6 small fajita size flour tortillas
12 maple sausage links
4 eggs
1/3 cup milk
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp cinnamon
Vegetable oil for frying
toothpicks

Instructions:
Cook sausage links over medium heat

Meanwhile, mix up your french toast batter

Add cinnamon and vanilla to taste. There is no wrong way here!

Set your sausage aside to cool for 5 minutes (you'll be using your hands so definitely let them cool a bit.) Lay out your ingredients in order, and heat 1 inch of vegetable oil in a frying pan.

Place a tortilla in the batter, and dredge both sides. Then line two links up on the tortilla like so.

Now roll it up tightly, and use a toothpick to keep it closed. Make sure it goes through the sausage.

Add to heated oil and fry, about 2-3 minutes each side, or until brown and crispy.

Let cool for a couple minutes, remove toothpick, and serve warm with syrup. My daughter loved this, and I must admit I do too! 

One Little Word - January

The first month of this big year and I find myself anxious and a little overwhelmed. 2013 was a huge year. Our family grew, our lives changed, our family was completed, and we found our home and budget stretched to the breaking point.

I feel like this is a year of re-focusing, of repairing. I could have chosen so many words for this year: Center, focus, heal, replenish, thrive. But all of those words had a hint of seclusion to them. Often when people want to heal or replenish, they hide themselves away. They take time away from the rush of the world in order to get back to center. But we had spent our whole year cloistered. New baby, no money, and exhaustion combined to make doing anything but basic errands miserable. And I feel the best way for me to repair from 2013, is to get back out and experience what the world has to offer. I have big plans for this year, and hopefully some fun, spontaneous activities I’m not even planning too!

We are spending January recovering financially from the crunch of December. So we have very little planned this month, and I thought it the perfect time to begin some small-scale healing. I want to re-focus on my family and my husband.

C is an amazing baby. She’s smart and vivacious and exhausting. Most days between her and her sister, my husband and I end our day exhausted. Grateful for an hour or two between their bedtime and ours to get things done, unwind, and relax. It doesn’t leave a lot of energy for long talks, thoughtful exchange, or, well… you know.

This exhaustion has leaked into all parts of our lives. I can’t show it at work, nerves are that more frayed at home. Kids get snapped at, my husband gets guilted for not doing enough while I was gone. I haven’t been having the best experience at home, and I know it’s because of me.

So this is it. I’m turning inward this month, before a year of outward. I want to repair some mistakes, and be better at communication, patience and being present in the lives of my children. I want this experience, because they will be grown in no time at all.  Most of all I want to let go of my fear, and learn to love completely. I want my husband to experience my complete and free love. And to do that, I have to learn to need nothing in return.

Come on 2014, let’s do this.

One Little Word

I've seen my friends participate in this in the past, and this year, I feel like I need a little guidance, a touchstone if you will. 2013 was rough. It was beautiful and exhausting. I've come out the end of it tougher but wiser. But it's left me feeling that this year needs to be a little more fulfilling. I'm tired of just getting by. I want more.

So this year, instead of a traditional resolution, I want something a little more flexible, a little more encompasing. One Little Word was created by Ali Edwards, and was exactly what I needed. Instead of a particular goal, you choose a word that will shape your year. Something to come back to repeatedly and to help you shape your goals throughout the year. This year I wanted our family to DO more things. I want to spend less time and money on things, and spend them on experiences. Charlie is going to be one in February, and we will be able to be out in the world more. So this year I chose the word (drumroll please):

Experience

I want to experience more things as a family.

I want to experience my kids growing, learning and changing.

I want to experience at least two new things. Something I've never done before.

I want to be in the moment and experience my life, instead of it just going by.

My word of 2014 is Experience.

I'll be updating more about my experience with experience this year here. I hope you'll join me!

Mother's Day

It's that day, the day when the flower shops and the jewelry stores and the card companies tell you it's time to thank your mother for all the wonderful things she's done.

I may sound cynical, but actually, I love mother's day. I have loved it since I was little, and looked forward to celebrating my own mom every year. As a kid I loved making homemade gifts, cards, and picking my mom's own flowers to make her a bouquet. As I got older it came to be about truly expressing to her how much I appreciated and loved her. Trying to put into words what she meant to me through adolescence and young adulthood.

Now as a mom myself, I really like spending this day with my kids. I don't want to escape to the spa, or have breakfast alone... I want to spend time with Bekah as she reads a book, and Charlie as she's just starting to laugh. I want to snuggle with my sweet husband and just soak in the love that grows and grows in my home.

I learned so much from my own mother. Like how homes that are full of books, and laughs, and crayons are the happiest ones. That sometimes the best gift you can give is your time and attention. That kids thrive when they are respected and taught the rules at the same time. I have learned so very much from my mom, and just hope to have the kind of relationship with my own kids that I have with her.

Thanks, mom. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good mom by your very loving example.

The Grind

Well my first week back to work has been stressful, to say the least. I expected to miss my baby terribly, to struggle with adjusting to 6 hours of sleep, a 6:30 wake up time, and getting back into my work groove. I also thought my coworkers and supervisor would be supportive of this transition, but alas, no. 

On my first day back I was disciplined for too many interrupted shifts before I left for maternity leave. One of those shifts mentioned was the day I went into work in active labor, and left after 7 hours because it was getting strong and regular. My baby was born less than 18 hours later.

Two days later I got a surprise audit. Luckily I am great at procedure and know my stuff, so I passed with flying colors, even after a 6 week hiatus.

But I find myself asking, where was the support? Why wasn't my supervisor asking how he could support my transition back to work with a newborn, instead of berating me for missed work while I was 9 months pregnant? Where was my welcome back cake? (Ok, I wasn't really expecting cake, but it would have been nice, right?)

My poor husband is not only dealing with two kids at home (damn you spring break!) dishes, cooking, and new duties dealing with a newborn, he also gets to deal with tired, zombie-like, stressed out me. And I find I’m not always the nicest person when I’m tired and stressed. I tend to lash out, and expect him to just know what I need without me having to ask. Yeah, I don’t like her much either.

Sex? Forget about it. Last night he snuggled up to me and I couldn't even mutter an apology about being too tired before I fell asleep.

I’m so exhausted. And I can only hope that it gets better. My stomach can’t handle 3 large cups of coffee every morning forever, and my marriage can’t survive a zombie wife forever. How do working moms do this? Last time my baby was 6 months old when I started work. She slept through the night, and was the easiest baby. C is easy too, but still so little, still waking up once or twice a night to eat, and it’s just HARD.

I want to say it out loud (typing counts, right?): being a working mother is HARD. It sucks a lot of the time. And even having a stay at home partner, it’s still different than being a working dad. It just is. It is so hard to disconnect and leave home behind while at work. I’m still thinking about diapers and gas drops, and has dinner gotten started yet? Our mommy minds never stop, which is part of what makes us great at multi-tasking and communicating in the workplace… but it also makes the guilt just pile up and up while we’re here.

Hopefully things look up, baby sleeps more, work gets less stressful, and our money situation will get better too. I can do this, I have birthed babies with no drugs. I am a creator. I am a warrior. I am a Mom.

Do you read PostSecret?

I sure do. And this week there was a very poignant secret for me...

Women all over suffer with issues like IGT, inability to make enough milk, and the simplicity of being uncomfortable breastfeeding for any number of reasons. For this to be this woman's secret is, I feel, a statement on our culture of mommy guilt. I too was relieved when my mourning started to wane. I felt like I was finally free. I could pass the baby to my husband to feed, I could feed her in about 20 minutes instead of an hour. I could see she was happy and full, and growing. What a relief!

Breastfeeding is not for everyone, for many, many reasons. And formula is a great substitute when it's all you have. I wish I could reach out to this mom and hug her. It's ok to be relieved. It's ok to be a bottle mom!

For the rest of this sundays secrets, visit www.postsecret.com