The Grind

Well my first week back to work has been stressful, to say the least. I expected to miss my baby terribly, to struggle with adjusting to 6 hours of sleep, a 6:30 wake up time, and getting back into my work groove. I also thought my coworkers and supervisor would be supportive of this transition, but alas, no. 

On my first day back I was disciplined for too many interrupted shifts before I left for maternity leave. One of those shifts mentioned was the day I went into work in active labor, and left after 7 hours because it was getting strong and regular. My baby was born less than 18 hours later.

Two days later I got a surprise audit. Luckily I am great at procedure and know my stuff, so I passed with flying colors, even after a 6 week hiatus.

But I find myself asking, where was the support? Why wasn't my supervisor asking how he could support my transition back to work with a newborn, instead of berating me for missed work while I was 9 months pregnant? Where was my welcome back cake? (Ok, I wasn't really expecting cake, but it would have been nice, right?)

My poor husband is not only dealing with two kids at home (damn you spring break!) dishes, cooking, and new duties dealing with a newborn, he also gets to deal with tired, zombie-like, stressed out me. And I find I’m not always the nicest person when I’m tired and stressed. I tend to lash out, and expect him to just know what I need without me having to ask. Yeah, I don’t like her much either.

Sex? Forget about it. Last night he snuggled up to me and I couldn't even mutter an apology about being too tired before I fell asleep.

I’m so exhausted. And I can only hope that it gets better. My stomach can’t handle 3 large cups of coffee every morning forever, and my marriage can’t survive a zombie wife forever. How do working moms do this? Last time my baby was 6 months old when I started work. She slept through the night, and was the easiest baby. C is easy too, but still so little, still waking up once or twice a night to eat, and it’s just HARD.

I want to say it out loud (typing counts, right?): being a working mother is HARD. It sucks a lot of the time. And even having a stay at home partner, it’s still different than being a working dad. It just is. It is so hard to disconnect and leave home behind while at work. I’m still thinking about diapers and gas drops, and has dinner gotten started yet? Our mommy minds never stop, which is part of what makes us great at multi-tasking and communicating in the workplace… but it also makes the guilt just pile up and up while we’re here.

Hopefully things look up, baby sleeps more, work gets less stressful, and our money situation will get better too. I can do this, I have birthed babies with no drugs. I am a creator. I am a warrior. I am a Mom.